Your trauma is not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility

Have you ever noticed how some people have a kind of language that you just don’t understand.

Like if I were hanging out with farmers, traders, lawyers or anyone well outside of my paradigm.

There is a language that goes beyond simple lawyer jargon or farming jargon. Whole phrases and sayings that to them are normal, but leave you scratching your head, wondering if you are not intelligent enough to keep up.

Well, I am aware that I have that same head scratching language to many people, when I do astrology speak or have a symbolism soliloquy.

Today I want to monologue, (feel free to mail me your thoughts and we can make it a dialogue) on a statement that showed up in my zeitgeist some months back and has really had a profound impact on me.

Because I totally agree, and have been working on just this, personally but also with my clients.

Your trauma is not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility

And there it is, in bold print.

Your trauma is not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.

Now I don’t know about you, but by the time I saw this I was already in agreement.

Every cell of my body felt the truth of this statement.

Had you said this to me a few years back…I may have had a different take.

I have no idea where you are on your evolutionary journey, but I want to unpack this statement from my perspective and invite you to do the same.

Perhaps see it as part of the responsibility you need to take on your healing journey.

Also, I am loving AI for the quick concise break down of things, I then do not have to explain. We all know I can get a little long winded at times and AI (in this case Gemini…so we must be aligned) is so to the point.

So, if you see some AI breakdowns of terminology and you are not one for the details, just jump down to my fascinating ramble.

Your trauma is not your fault

Que AI description of trauma;

Trauma, in a psychological context, refers to a deeply distressing or disturbing experience or series of events that has a significant negative impact on a person's mental, emotional, and often physical well-being. It overwhelms an individual's ability to cope and can lead to lasting adverse effects.

Think of it like this: imagine your mind has a set of natural defences for dealing with stressful situations. Trauma is like an impact so forceful that it overwhelms those defences, leaving lasting damage.

These experiences can be varied and include things like:

• Direct experiences: Accidents, physical or sexual assault, natural disasters, war, witnessing violence.

• Indirect experiences: Learning about violence experienced by a close family member, repeated exposure to graphic details of traumatic events (often experienced by first responders).

The key aspect of trauma is not just the event itself, but the individual's subjective experience of it and the lasting impact it has on them. What might be traumatic for one person may not be for another.

The effects of trauma can manifest in numerous ways, including:

• Emotional: Fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, guilt, shame, emotional numbness.

• Cognitive: Difficulty concentrating, memory problems, negative beliefs about oneself and the world, intrusive thoughts and memories.

• Behavioural: Avoidance of places or people associated with the trauma, changes in sleep and eating patterns, increased irritability, social withdrawal.

• Physical: Fatigue, muscle tension, headaches, digestive issues.

It's important to understand that these are just some common examples, and the experience of trauma is unique to each individual.

I wanted you to start with the textbook definition, so that when I say we all have trauma and you think to yourself;

I never had a near fatal accident

I was never sexually abused

I never lost a parent when I was young

You will see that trauma is on a spectrum, like most things, but that your experience of something and its impact on you is really what matters.

Jane may have trauma around losing her mother as a small girl and her core wound is abandonment which impacts all of her adult relationships.

Sarah may have trauma because her mother never cuddled her and she grows up feeling unlovable which impacts all of her adult relationships.

Jane may have a capital T Trauma to Sarah’s small t trauma, but the result is relationship issues, neither girl was responsible for creating.

The pattern that is created from our traumas is the part we need to

start recognizing.

Let’s try another example;

Debbie was sexually assaulted as a teen and as a result really struggles in her sexual relationships.

Denise had no such trauma, and also did not know that her mother had been sexually assaulted. She did grow up unconsciously observing her mother’s rigidness at her father’s touch and that her mother was never relaxed in her body. Denise has no idea why she struggles to relax and enjoy sex with her committed partner.

Cleary Debbie has Trauma and Denise has trauma, right?

Here is a tricky twist

(spoken as a healer)

Debbie knows what her trauma is. Although she may face resistance when starting to work through the trauma, it does not take a rocket scientist or even a psychologist to tell Debbie her sex life is impacted by her assault.

It was not her fault, what happened to her. But she is the only one who can heal it.

Denise, poor thing, thinks she had a great childhood and there must be something seriously wrong with her, that she is bad in the bedroom or frigid.

Her trauma is so much more subtle and covert.

It is inherited trauma and it is what was subtly and subliminally modelled

for her.

It was not her fault, or even her mother’s fault. Her mother never had the tools to do her own healing and almost certainly would not have intentionally passed down her trauma to her daughter.

Caveat; these are made up examples for context.

Trauma is nuanced and complex.

There will always be layers and layers and then more layers.

Our souls are here on earth and in these bodies to have the pleasure, and pain of experiencing the range of available sensations, emotions and experiences.

It is not your fault, but where does your responsibility lie?

Your healing is your responsibility

I hate to say it, but healing is just as multivalent and nuanced as trauma.

You and I may have had the same or similar trauma and experienced it very differently.

Due to our experience, how we felt about it and how often we were trauma triggered into reacting from that wound, and how we reacted,

will all inform the differences and therefore the path to healing will look very different for us both.

Let’s go back to an example;

Sisters Kate, 10- and Dee, 7-years old experience their parents’ divorce.

Mom is suddenly thrust back into the workplace after being a doting stay at home mom. She is mourning the loss of not only her marriage but the life she was able to lead as a stay-at-home mom.

Her confidence is at an all-time low as she is learning a new job, how to be single at this age with two children and feels like she is failing at all fronts including in her mothering.

In her struggles she puts a lot more responsibility onto the shoulders of her older daughter. She also seems to speak more harshly to her eldest when she is dysregulated.

Her younger daughter is left to do whatever she wants, most of the time, largely ignored but when mom has capacity to cuddle it is usually with

her little one.

The sisters are all grown up now.

The eldest, Kate is always phoning her parents and her sister to check on them and happily runs errands for them. She does everything for her husband and kids and friends and the school and the community.

From the outside she seems like a happy, healthy, well-adjusted woman. Until she has a breakdown…

Dee, her younger sister went off the rails, for a few years too much sex, drugs and rock n roll. Nobody ever tried to stop her so she just kept going.

Now in and out of rehab, in and out of relationships she struggles to keep it together, like her sister Kate does.

But then Kate falls apart.

Kate who had seemed to Dee to be so perfect.

A kind of perfect she had come to accept that she would never be able to achieve. All her years of therapy, had at least left her realistic.

She understands who she is, how she got here and what she can do to manage the parts of her life that at times become unmanageable.

She has always had a love/hate relationship with Kate, because she felt like the family screw up and Kate the golden girl. But Kate had always loved her, no matter how out of control she got.

Now, perfect Kate was lying in her bed, unable to wash, care for her kids or herself. She can barely talk, burnout, breakdown, has the world gone mad?

It was Dee’s turn to show up for her sister, because she has tools to cope with situations like this.

She realizes now, that Kate has no tools.

Poor Kate, she sees it so clearly now. She was never perfect, and she was not really coping. She just did a better job of hiding it than Dee.

They both had trauma, but they reacted differently to it.

Dee began to act out within the first few years, and as such she was forced to self-reflect, and to develop coping mechanisms, from a young age.

It has taken more than 20 years for Kate to show her vulnerable under belly, and she did not do it by choice; she snapped.

She hit capacity and now with Dee’s help she can start to take responsibility for her healing and happiness.

Synopsis

I like examples to help us with a frame of reference.

We are all on our own journey and our own timeline.

We all have a unique experience of life and need to work with that unique experience to find a healing path that works for us.

Let go of comparitinitis, stop feeling like a victim, nurture the wounded parts, hold space for your trauma and most importantly empower yourself by taking responsibility for your healing.

Not only is this the best thing that you can do for yourself, but also for your children, your loved ones and even the collective.

How to get started

Like I mentioned, your healing journey is just that, yours.

So you need to feel the way forward that aligns with you.

Sometimes it will feel right and almost effortless, other times it will be right because it is uncomfortable and triggering.

I know, it is a little confusing, so a little roadmap to get you started

(unless you want to write your own map).

First, we need ruthless authenticity, with self. Sounds simple but we are really good at ignoring, avoiding and turning a blind eye to things we don’t want to see.

Dropping your armor, and nakedly revealing yourself to you…is a process.

Then holding space for whatever you find. The good, the bad and the ugly. The shadow and the light and all 50 shades of grey that bridge them.

This will be ongoing, so the other parts will have to happen when you are real enough with yourself that you know the next step is to be pushed.

Time to step it up, this is where you find a mentor/coach/healer/astrologer/teacher to work with. They can provide a container for you to grow safely within. While simultaneously prompting you to look deeper. Helping you to tease out the things that have still been hiding from you, that are holding you back.

On this journey you may have many such teacher guide. If you are reading this, I am perhaps one for you. Either through my free content or perhaps you have or do work with me more deeply.

Sometimes it is an integration time letting the work you have

been doing settle.

Other times you are actively pushing outside of your comfort zone.

When seeds are planted there is a quiet time, where the husk of the seed must soften in warm, moist soil.

At the right time it begins to push down roots…above the soil, we see none of this growth.

Finally, some small green shoots, still so vulnerable and undefined.

One day a blossoming and fruiting tree.

Healing and growth are happening well before you see the results.

If you haven’t already, start now it’s worth it, you are worth it.

Upcoming:

June will see the Taste of Wellness Festival in Kenton, with many wonderful practitioners and speakers.

It starts on my birthday June 18 - 22 2025

I will be there on the 19th and 20th offering a free talk on Crystals and 2 paid workshops, Aromatherapy and Red Tent and journaling, as well as 2 yoga classes, one Somatic and the other Kundalini based