The Empath and the Narcissist

The Empath and the Narcissist, are drawn to each other like moths to a flame.

Just to be clear I am in no way qualified to professionally diagnose a narcissist, and here I am particularly referring to NPD.

Here is what AI has to say on that;

NPD typically refers to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is a mental health condition characterized by a persistent pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy towards others.  

Here's a breakdown of what that means:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance: An exaggerated belief in one's own talents, achievements, and importance. Individuals with NPD may overestimate their abilities and accomplishments, and expect to be recognized as superior even without commensurate achievements.  

• Excessive need for admiration: A constant craving for attention and praise from others. Their self-esteem is often very fragile and dependent on external validation.  

• Lack of empathy: Difficulty recognizing or understanding the feelings and needs of other people. They may be unwilling to consider the perspectives of others.  

Other common characteristics and symptoms of NPD can include:

• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.  

• A belief that they are "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).  

• A sense of entitlement (unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations).  

• Being interpersonally exploitative (taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends).  

• Often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them.  

• Showing arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.  

• Hypersensitivity to criticism and feelings of being easily slighted.  

• Difficulty handling anything they view as criticism, often reacting with anger, rage, or contempt.  

• Trouble with relationships due to their self-centeredness and lack of empathy.  

It's important to note that occasional narcissistic traits do not equate to having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. NPD is a persistent and pervasive pattern of behavior that causes significant distress or impairment in functioning.  

If you or someone you know is struggling with symptoms of NPD, seeking help from a mental health professional is crucial for diagnosis and treatment. Treatment typically involves psychotherapy.

A narcissistic personality style however is a spectrum and does not need clinical diagnosis like NPD.

I am finding it frustrating how easily the word narcissist gets bandied about now days and that is why I have spent a good deal of time researching the topic and doing some deep personal reflection and healing, which brings me to wanting to write this down.

And we would all be wise to remember there is a little bit of narcissism

in all of us.

Children are naturally narcissistic to start, and that is healthy up until a certain age, where they begin to develop the awareness that what they do and say has an impact on others. Then they may begin to think twice before snatching that toy or punching their brother.

This is a natural and healthy developmental process.

 

The Empath and the Narcissist

I found it fascinating to learn that the empath and the narcissist come from the same place, but developed different coping mechanisms.

Let me first explain what an empath is, well actually let me let AI give you the break down before I add my input.

An empath is often described as a person who has a heightened ability to sense and understand the emotions of others. They are said to be deeply attuned to the feelings of those around them, sometimes to the point of feeling those emotions themselves as if they were their own.  

Here's a breakdown of common characteristics associated with empaths:

• Highly Sensitive to Emotions: Empaths can often pick up on subtle emotional cues, such as shifts in mood, unspoken feelings, and even underlying intentions. They may sense when someone is sad, angry, anxious, or happy, even if the person is trying to hide it.  

• Absorbing Others' Emotions: A key characteristic is the tendency to absorb or take on the emotions of others. This means they might feel the sadness of a grieving friend, the anxiety of a stressed colleague, or the excitement of a joyful stranger.  

• Intuitive Understanding: Empaths often have a strong intuitive sense about people and situations. They may "just know" how someone is feeling or what's going on without being explicitly told.  

• Need for Alone Time: Because of the cons=- tant influx of emotions, empaths often need significant alone time to recharge and process the feelings they've absorbed. Being around large groups of people or in emotionally charged environments can be draining.

  Highly Sensitive to Sensory Overload: They may also be sensitive to loud noises, bright lights, strong smells, and other sensory stimuli, which can further overwhelm their system.  

• Deeply Caring and Compassionate: Empaths tend to be very caring and compassionate individuals who are often drawn to helping others. They feel a strong desire to alleviate suffering.  

• Can Struggle with Boundaries: Because they are so attuned to others' needs, empaths may sometimes struggle with setting healthy boundaries and can be easily taken advantage of.

• Honesty and Authenticity: They often value honesty and authenticity in themselves and others and can be easily turned off by deceit or pretense.  

• Drawn to Nature and Peaceful Environments: Nature and quiet spaces can be very grounding and healing for empaths.

It's important to note:

• "Empath" is not a formal psychological or psychiatric term. While the concept resonates with many people and is widely discussed in self-help and spiritual communities, it is not a recognized diagnosis in the DSM-5 or ICD-11.  

• The experience of empathy exists on a spectrum. Everyone has the capacity for empathy to some degree. What is described as being an "empath" represents a heightened level of this ability.

• High sensitivity and empathy can be related to personality traits like high sensitivity (Highly Sensitive Person - HSP) or certain aspects of emotional intelligence. However, "empath" carries a more specific connotation of directly feeling others' emotions.  

While not a clinical term, the concept of an empath can be a useful way for some individuals to understand and describe their heightened emotional sensitivity and connection to others. If someone identifies as an empath and finds it overwhelming, developing healthy coping mechanisms and boundaries can be beneficial.  

I am a total empath, and tick every box…which means I have been like a moth to the narcissist flame.

I hope I have broken the pattern but time will tell.

So, let me give an example of how narcissists and empaths come from the same place.

Grow from the same trauma or wounding.

Caveat; no childhood is without its ‘stuff’, my work is to try and work on self-reflection and self-healing. We chose our family dynamic on a soul level for a reason, and came to learn these lessons.

You or Me?

Eight- and ten-year-old siblings experience their parents’ messy divorce.

They hear lots of shouting, verbal abuse, and for years there is a constant battle by their parents that the children feel unsafe in, and never know how it will be when with one parent or the other.

For any adult who has gone through any big life event while trying to parent, I am sure you will agree it is fucking hard and you are so busy trying to survive that it is next to impossible to be aware of every nuance of how your various children are coping. Please take the adult experience and challenge out of the equation for a moment and only see from the perspective of the children, who have absolutely no concept of the challenges of their parents at this stage of their young lives.

Susan is 10 and John is 8 (totally made-up example) and they are finding life pretty hard.

Susan being the older sibling took a protective and nurturing role over, not just her brother but her parents.

She became hyper vigilant to any minor mood shifts in any and everyone.

A slight change in dad’s voice tone, mom’s body posture, John getting too tired, any and everything she was constantly seeing, feeling, picking up

and filtering. Then rushing to ‘fix’ it or help them.

And so, the people pleasing empath was developing.

Unable to distinguish her needs or feelings from the feelings of others, weak boundaries at best and a heightened sensitivity to others.

She developed IBS and was a super anxious little girl.

John who had always been such a sweet boy, the baby and the apple of everyone’s eye felt the situation very differently.

He was hurt, angry and demanded his parents’ attention.

If he had to act out to get it, so be it. He deserved to get what he wanted, he was special and they had better not forget it.

He too learned how to read people and situation, but instead of trying to hide from conflict he caused it. He knew his sister would fix it, and the cost to her did not enter the equation for him.

He blamed everyone else when life gave him lemons and also expected everyone else to turn his lemons into lemonade.

Taking accountability and responsibility for his actions was not even

on his radar.

Two children, going through something that so many of us do. Or any number of more minor style traumas that life presents growing up.

This is not really about very terrible parents or major abuse, or a bad accident but rather life just lifing.

Yet the personality, the timing (age of challenging experiences), the environment and the type of support all play roles in the development

of the child.

Opposites attract

For whatever reason we develop our personality styles, defense mechanism and operating systems, we can see how there are types that attract.

It is for example unlikely for two narcissists to get into a long-term relationship with any success.

The empath and the narcissist however are a common match.

This particular example is more of a trauma bond, which is definitely not the healthiest.

It offers both parties the opportunity to either stay in the dysfunctional pattern or recognise the dysfunction and break the pattern.

Let’s stay with my little fictitious example looking at the grown-up versions

of both Susan and John.

John is now in his late 30’s and is in partnership with an old school friend, Simon, in a construction company. John is very confident to the point of arrogant and entitled, seeing himself as the visionary and the face of the business. He is loud and charismatic when you first meet him, he seems like a golden boy.

He certainly thinks so.

For his partner however it is clear that the balance is off. John talks the talk but does not walk the walk. He leaves his partner to do all the heavy lifting and get none of the glory. Worse than that there is a slew of unhappy employees who have made claims from sexual harassment to bullying, gaslighting to taking advantage in any number of ways.

Poor Simon is already overloaded and then has to spend so much time putting out fires that John has started. He wishes they never went into business together but does not know how to get out. Whenever he tries John manages to reel him in again with promises and stories that never happen.

Susan on the other hand is married to Joe; they have 2 kids under 10. Roughly the same ages she and John were when their parents split. The marriage is not perfect but she couldn’t put her kids through a divorce. So instead, she shoulders the load where parenting duties are concerned.

Joe swans in and out when he feels like it.

His work trips and hobbies and friends always seem to take precedence to her needs or those of the children. But that’s okay, she makes the best of it.

She will be the best mother and even wife, maybe it will be enough to get him to choose her and the kids.

What else can she do? Leaving is not an option.

Susan continues to walk on eggshells where her marriage is concerned. But she also does more and more self-reflection, as most empaths do.

Taking account of what part of this is her fault or responsibility, blaming herself all too readily while her husband is the extreme opposite and believes he is perfect.

If she does call him out or criticize his behavior, he gets loud and aggressive which she absolutely cannot cope with, being so sensitive and empathic. Better to just tow the line and NEVER rock the boat.

In closing

I suppose I am writing this in hopes of helping, even just one person to see a toxic pattern they may be trapped in.

Most likely if you fall on the narcissistic personality style spectrum you will not be able to recognize yourself as such. Unless you are investing in some serious therapy and really want to change.

If you fall on the empathic side of the spectrum, I may well be the

coach for you.

Even if you are not ready to actively invest in your healing just starting to recognize your pattern is a brave and amazing start.

Even now, I am shocked when I realize how someone close to me and I were locked into this pattern. All of my years of self-awareness, all of my wisdom (hey I am an old soul and I will own it) and still, on a 3D level I cannot always see what is right in front of me.

Until I can.

That is when the hard work begins.

First, we recognise a pattern.

This leaves us to get more and more uncomfortable with the status quo. Often, we resort to bargaining. Trying everything to change the pattern without leaving the relationship.

Internal narratives like, “I don’t mind if he never puts my needs first, he is still a good dad. I can learn to live with it. I will live my life; I don’t need anything more from him.”

And maybe you are still there, or maybe it got too uncomfortable and shifted into, “I actually deserve better, and he isn’t around enough to be considered a good dad. What kind of example is he setting for the kids anyway…what example am I setting by staying!”

The second step to pattern recognition, should you choose to move on to the second level of the game, is to uplevel or upgrade.

There is always a big test or challenge to see if you are ready.

Breaking the cycle, this is NO JOKE, to move onto this level you had better believe there are going to be tests at every turn.

Some of them will be obvious and you will jump the hurdle with ease.

The school mom you don’t get on with making comment about your choices – Jane, your judgments mean nothing to me. I don’t even need to comment.

But sometimes it is a close friend saying, “are you sure you want to do this, you may be alone all your life?” or “all men are like this, you don’t need to put your kids through a divorce.” These are much more challenging; it is at this point you realize how much you have hidden the truth about your relationship from your friends. They have no idea how hard it has been, how toxic and traumatic.

You never let them see.

Staying the course when society and your community are not always

able to support you is PAINFUL.

Dear one if you are still on this journey and you get to step three, then this is where you break down.

This is where you start to recognize how much you hid from yourself!

The *gaslighting you now see so clearly, how did you not see it for years?

Love bombing, triangulating, blame-shifting, invalidating, isolating, withholding…WTF!

It was there all along.

You even started to gaslight yourself to try and stay.

At this point (hey, I am at this point, it is a trip and not a good one) try not to be too hard on yourself. Personally, I know I have dealt with thoughts like,

‘are you and idiot?!” and keep having to be kind and remind myself that when you are raised in certain environments and have no model that shows you otherwise, you will attract what you know.

But now that you know, you do not need to learn this lesson again.

Let yourself break down;

Break down how you became this person

Break down in tears of grief and rage

Break down the life you thought you wanted

Break down the expectations of others

Break down the prison of your old paradigm

Shed all the layers until you are soft and vulnerable…and then

BREAK THROUGH into the next version of you.

BE MAGNIFICENT

Caveat it is our vulnerability that gives us our strength, though societally this feels counter intuitive.

*For those wanting to understand what gaslighting is, here is a great AI breakdown for you;

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or group tries to make someone doubt their own sanity, perception of reality, or memories. This is often achieved through persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying. Over time, this can erode the victim's self-esteem and make them dependent on the gaslighter.

The term "gaslighting" comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is going insane.

Common Gaslighting Tactics:

• Denial: The gaslighter denies saying or doing things that the victim remembers clearly.

• Withholding: The gaslighter refuses to listen or understand the victim's concerns.

• Countering: The gaslighter questions the victim's memory of events.

• Trivializing: The gaslighter makes the victim's feelings seem unimportant or "too sensitive."

• Diverting: The gaslighter changes the subject or questions the victim's credibility.

• Blame-shifting: The gaslighter blames the victim for things that are not their fault.

• Lying: The gaslighter tells blatant lies to confuse the victim.

• Isolating: The gaslighter tries to cut the victim off from friends and family.

• Using what is important to the victim as ammunition: They might target the victim's children, job, or identity.

• Wearing the victim down over time: Gaslighting is often a gradual process that makes the victim increasingly doubt themselves.

• Throwing in positive reinforcement: This can confuse the victim and make them think the gaslighter isn't always bad.

• Creating confusion: The gaslighter knows that confusion weakens people and makes them more dependent.

• Projecting: The gaslighter accuses the victim of doing the things they themselves are doing.

• Telling others the victim is crazy: This can make the victim feel isolated and doubt their sanity.

• Denying or distorting past events: The gaslighter may rewrite history to fit their narrative.

• Changing the environment: They might subtly move or misplace things and then deny doing so.

Signs that you might be experiencing gaslighting:

• You constantly second-guess yourself.

• You feel confused about events that previously seemed clear.

• You frequently apologize to the gaslighter.

• You start to question your sanity.

• You feel isolated and unable to talk about your feelings.

• You make excuses for the gaslighter's behavior to others.

• You know something is wrong, but you can't quite express it.

• You have trouble making simple decisions.

• You feel like you used to be more confident and happy.

• You constantly wonder if you are "too sensitive."

Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse that can have a significant negative impact on a person's mental health. If you believe you are being gaslighted, it's important to seek support from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional.